Category: Leadership

Lead by example: to lead change, leaders must change from within

We’ve all heard the phrase: “Lead by example.” In battle, the troops must see the Army Officer in front of them, leading them boldly towards their objective. The leader exemplifies courage, selfless service, and inspires trust in his followers.

Example-setting is the only way a leader will get his followers to buy into his plan. Albert Schweitzer said: “Example isn’t the main thing in leadership – it is the only thing.”

Most people are visual learners, not verbal learners. Good communication makes the vision clear, and good modeling makes it come alive.

A leader must want his followers to model the desired behavior. How do you do that? How, as a leader, do you get your followers to exhibit the you want to see? The answer is simple: be a leader, not a naysayer. Leaders must lead themselves first.

To do this a leader, a manager, supervisor, team leader – whoever aspires to lead – must have self-awareness. They must know their weaknesses and their capabilities before barking out orders. But building awareness about one’s habits of thought, emotions, hopes, and behavior is a task. Leaders must know what makes them tick, their beliefs, their priorities, their aspirations, values and fears (Boaz and Fox, 2014)

Most leaders want status, but not the responsibility. Are they at that level to get more pay and more status, or to get themselves and others to buy into the organization’s mission, vision and goals?

We have a biblical example of this in Kings II Chapters 22 through 23. King Josiah ruled Judea for 31 years. When he was 18 years old, he was in the midst of a restoration project of the temple of God, where a scroll of the book of the law was found by the high priest and was given to the royal secretary to be read to King Josiah. When the king heard the words of the law, he immediately tore his robe. In the Old Testament, this was a sign of repentance, remorse, and despair. Josiah was known as a very righteous king, yet through the word of God, he repented and became aware of his own sins towards God. Here you see how the king Josiah (leader) made a change within himself (self-awareness). His internal reform brought about the internal reform of his people, which led to the restoration of God‘s covenant throughout Judea.

How inner awareness affects the leader’s outer change

People do as they see, so the leaders’ actions speak louder than words. As mentioned previously, the example isn’t the main thing – it is the only thing. Organizations that want to implement new strategies create new policies and procedures. But the new processes will fall short if the leader does not exemplify the desired change. In their research, Boaz and Fox indicate that new strategies often fall short because of a failure to inspire the “underlying mindsets and capabilities of the people who will execute [them].”

Research indicates that if the leader doesn’t role model change and maintains the status quo, the people on the ground will maintain that same motivation. (Boaz and Fox, 2014). In my Biblical example, the people saw their King change from within. All of his actions illuminated his internal change, and this motivated the people to also change and move toward transformation.

Learning to lead means cultivating awareness of self. You must be aware of your inner thoughts, character and the values that you hold firm to, regardless of the situation. Self-awareness requires you to know what makes you tick – your inner desires, your strengths and weaknesses, the interests you had as a child, and what motivates and inspires you as an adult. But in this day and age, having inner awareness of one’s self is not easy. Many voices out there harbor confusion, deception, fear, but a few voices have vision and purpose. Nevertheless, to lead others, one must lead one’s own self.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” ―Aristotle

If you model the behavior you want everyone in your organization to exhibit, then change will happen without resistance. In a research study, seasoned executives with 15 or more years of experience were asked to name the critical leadership competency for successful change efforts. The answers were communication, collaboration, and commitment.


In the area of communication, the leaders explained that followers must know the “what” and the “why” of the change and understand how these align with the organization’s values. In the area of collaboration, successful leaders encourage people to work together across boundaries with other teams or departments to achieve a common goal. In the area of commitment, leaders aligned their own beliefs and behaviors to support change.

The successful leaders also had to step out of their comfort zone and not appear to be resistant or inflexible. The successful leaders embraced change by devoting time and effort to it. Those who were resistant to and negative about change were unsuccessful in implementing change in their organizations (Center for Creative Leadership, 2020).
The bottom line is that people model the behavior of their leaders. Followers (employees, team) will do what they see their leader do. General Colin Powell said it best: “You can issue all the memos and give all the motivational speeches you want, but if the rest of the people in your organization don’t see you putting forth your very best effort every single day, they won’t either.” Be an example of the change you want to see.


Derrick Darden, Ph.D. (Entrepreneur Apex)

Partner Entrepreneur Coach

Blogsites: dcdardentalks.com & tripledfoundation.com

How to handle conflict and commit to the customer

Derrick C Darden, PhD

There’s an old saying by Sam Walton: “There is only one boss, the customer. Serving the customer is the reason your business exists. In the professional world, your job, whether it’s in sales, services or manufacturing, revolves around the customer.”

However, what happens when there is a conflict between a customer and an employee?

In this short blog, we will talk about how to handle those situations. Unfortunately, they are inevitable, but we have some tips and tricks on how to resolve them.

But before we get to them, I want to tell you a story.

I once heard about a customer who was waiting patiently to be seen by the optometrist to be fitted with new glasses. Her number was finally called, but instead of the optometrist technician waiting directly on her, he decided to answer a question from a customer who hadn’t taken a number at all. “Ironically, this same technician was rude to my husband only a month ago,” the customer remembered.

Now, this customer became infuriated and very loud. Of course, this got the attention of everyone in the store.  In the meantime, the manager was watching this take place in the background and quickly came to the aid of the furious customer. The quickly extinguished the situation. He took care of the customer, and the customer left happy.

As this story illustrates, one way to resolve a conflict to get straight to the source. What is the source? It is the foundation of how this conflict occurred. There’s always a second perception behind the truth. Maybe the customer was irritated by another, unrelated situation. But you assume that all this anger and resentment is geared towards you. Most of the time, the customer doesn’t have a personal problem, but a consumer problem. And, as a consumer, they must get quality and satisfaction.

So avoid complaining to others and whimpering. Avoid negative name-calling and further eroding your relationship with that customer.

Second, dissect the problem, not each other. Attack the problem by looking at it from different angles, then ask the customer to help buy into the solution.

Third, avoid the “blame game.” Instead of wasting your energy in finger-pointing and trying to prove your point (if there is a point to be made), direct your energy to resolving the issue at hand.

Here are some other tips on how to resolve a conflict with a customer:

1.      Listen to your customer’s concerns, get an understanding of what is being said, take off the filters. Listen with both ears, and speak once.

2.      Remember the golden rule: Do onto others as you want them to do unto you. You cannot judge someone. Put yourself in that customer’s shoes. As the saying goes, you can’t judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.

3.      Understanding is key. Understand why the conflict happened. What are some of the causes? Never assume that these things always happen.

4.      Lastly, to fix the conflict, go to the customer and make things right between you two. Re-establish your relationship and earn back their trust.

I hope this article will help you with your decision making. And remember – without conflict, life would be boring!

NARCISSIM in the WORK PLACE

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, defines narcissism as:  A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following:

 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g.), exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

 3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

4. Requires excessive admiration

 5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

 6. Is interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

 7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes (American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 661) 

10. President Trump

They often explain their point of view in loquacious detail while failing to recognize that other parties have anything to add to their perspectives.  Additionally, when other parties attempt to express their views, the narcissist will often become impatient with the conversation, and may be oblivious to the damage that their lack of concern causes in the other party.  Finally, when they do recognize the feelings of others, they tend to regard those feelings as a sign of the weakness of the person exhibiting them.  This weakness, to the narcissist, is something to exploited but never pitied, as pity is something that the narcissist does not feel for others (American Psychiatric Association, 2000).  

What happens when the narcissist is a co-worker or a subordinate how to encounter the behavior in the workplace?  Here are some strategies in understanding the behavior.

What must then be asked is, how does one deal, in day-to-day work life, with those people who display strong narcissistic tendencies in the workplace?   How does one communicate with someone who is self-centered, degrades other people’s ideas, and fails to heed the warnings of others?  Even more intimidating: how does one take a person with those characteristics and attempt to integrate them into the team format?  Cavaiola and Lavender (2000) state that “one cannot expect the narcissist to behave in a rational, giving, or cooperative manner, and if you do, you will experience nothing but frustration in your interactions with them”

Maccoby (2003, 2004), said one discovers no real process for dealing with the narcissist personality at work other than to avoid the narcissist and thus not respond to him or her or to alter one’s perception of what would provide a fulfilling job.  While this might prove comforting to some, it would be difficult to believe that dealing with people with strong narcissistic tendencies would be as simple as saying, “Maybe I can just ignore it and it will go away.”    Still, this type of logic is suggested for implementation in most of the literature in which an author attempts to indicate how the narcissist should be dealt with.  Bacal (2000) indicates that while these people are very difficult to fire or to discipline or worst a boss, the best thing that a person might do is simply learn to deal with the narcissist by placating their behavior.

 Bacal goes on to state that if one is managing such a person, one needs to differentiate between the person and their behavior patterns, and should not blame the narcissist for the problem.  He suggests that one should internalize the situation and attempt to determine what one can change so that one can continue to cope with the narcissist behavior.  Lastly, Bacal advocates that one should avoid assumption of a “victimized” posture when confronting narcissistic behavior, and focus only on what implications the narcissistic behavior might have on the work environment

Here’s a tip, narcissist lacks self-composure and confidence, this is one of the main reasons they are so quick to turn on one action, which indirectly makes them look bad. Be consistent with your loyalty while standing on your right and in no time you will always be at their good side. But don’t feel too comfortable due to their unstable nature, remember unless the benefits of staying outweigh the downside over the long haul, you need to figure out when you can leave.

 References

American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, (4th ed., text revision). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Bacal, R. (2000). The complete idiots guide to dealing with difficult employees. Madison,WI: CWI Publishing Enterprises.

Cavaiola, A. & Lavender, N. (2000). Toxic coworkers: how to deal with dysfunctionalPeople on the job. Oak lake: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Freud, S. (1991). On narcissism: An introduction. In J. Sandler, E.S. Person, & P. Fonagy

(Eds.) for the International Psychoanalytical Association, Freud’s “On

Narcissism: An Introduction “(pp. 3-32). New Haven & London: Yale University

Press. (Original work published 1914).

Lubit, R. (2004). Coping with toxic managers, subordinates, and other difficult people.

Upper Saddle River: Financial Times Prentice Hall.

Maccoby, M. (2003). The productive narcissist. New York: Broadway Books.

Maccoby, M. (2004). Narcissistic leaders: The incredible pros, the inevitable cons.

 Narcissistic Leaders. (2000, June). Harvard Management Communication Letter, 3(6),

 Author of “Cooperating in the Workplace” Revised Expanded 2nd edition ( Amazon Books https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MYBQHHN/ref=nav_timeline_asin?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1)

© 2019  All Rights Reserved.

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Distract the Distractive Critic in the workplace

  • Aikido Style

One of the most frustrating experiences at work is having a boss or coworker who gives negative critical comment regarding your work. When there is a consistent barrage of negative criticism, it negatively impacts your self-esteem, feelings, and performance of your day-to-day task. As a matter of fact, it is somewhat common for those that are placed under daily destructive criticism to encounter clinical depression.

The non-necessities: Overlooking his or her comments, moving your desks, and/or expressing your displeasure; are all the non-necessities.

Another strategy that is very effective is similar to the aikido expert who makes use of the power of an opponent and adopts the reverse leverage to conquer him.

When you are being criticized by the distractive critic,rather than attempting to stop him from criticizing you, try to encourage him todo so productively.��

There was a story told by a well-known commercial interior designer. The story was concerning his coworker who usually gives him negative feedback regarding the way the static displays are presented in the office showroom.  His co-worker criticizes, that the colors schemes are poorly combined, in other cases, the layouts of furniture and wall decoration look crowded, and it appears lousy.  So the criticized interior designer thought about his goals and how the critic (co-worker) should proceed to criticize his work in a productive manner.   

The next time the coworker began with the critical comments, he responded with the question, “How can he get it done better?”

This is a response that accurately indicates how criticism communication can be effectively diminished to a sentence. This is what usually happens. If negative criticism tells you, “you are winning.” Now, on the flip side, if the response is: “I do not have an idea,” what you should do is to clarify, “I’m trying my best”. Continue to say “I would be grateful if you do not tell me your criticism anymore unless it’s productive criticism.”  This implies to the coworker not to criticize you, but instead, you are only requesting the manner at which you are being criticized.  It must be productive and not destructive!!! If this doesn’t work, set up a meeting with your immediate supervisor.

In dealing with the boss, use a different strategy, make arequest from your boss to give you some time, so he can productively assess youin your areas of responsibilities.  Iremember the Mayor of New York City, Mayor Koch, he used to ask hisconstituents, “How am I doing?” The framework for your boss should be as such,“How am I doing?” Let him know the area you want him to improve in, and let himtell you how to improve them. Lay emphasis on the fact that you want to be agood employee that adds value to the organization.  If this meeting is successful, express yourappreciation and let him feel how much you benefited from his attention, andtry to get some search sessions consistently, irrespective of how inconsistent,and never forget to execute any valid criticism he poses. Actually, you’ve justtaught your boss how the power of positive criticism can be obtained. This is awin-win case!  Weisinger, H/ Triple D

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How to defeat the grasshopper and elephant mentality in the workplace and in life?

You know, we can learn a valuable lesson from the grasshopper, the elephant and the way people think. Here’s why. If you want to keep a grasshopper for a pet, then all you need to do is to trap that grasshopper in a jar with a lid over it. And just like many of us, an imprisoned grasshopper will try desperately to escape using his powerful legs to smash the wall of resistance in search of freedom time and time again. At the outset, that grasshopper looked very persistent and determined to change its situation. And it would try to try again without any luck of breaking itself free. Then something happens, the grasshopper stops, the persistence of escaping stops. At this point, we all know that the grasshopper will never try to escape by jumping out of the jar with the lid. At the moment, you can take the lid off, and your (pet) grasshopper will not escape because once the grasshopper has learned that its situation did not change time after time no matter what it did in the past, its convinced that it will never change in the future. And it will settle upon its new life with no desire to reach beyond that comfort zone.
Many of us know about how elephant trainers teach elephants to stay in place. They get the baby elephant and lock a strong chain around its ankle and just as the grasshopper the baby elephant will pull and tug until it stops. And even once the elephant grows into an adult, it does not change in its beliefs. The trainer could tie a thin rope around the same ankle of the elephant, and it would not try to break away.
So there are similar parallels here in this simple life lesson between the grasshopper, the elephant, and people who have given up and have adopted the same mentality as the grasshopper and elephant—becoming comfortable and complacent with no sense of going on even if success is within reach. Mentally this person sees it as unreachable and unobtainable—it’s too hard they may say. There are many problems with the grasshopper and elephant mentality when adopted by an individual, a group, or even an industry such as:
 The individual sees themselves as not having the ability to fit in with peers or able to leverage newer technologies.
 They may prematurely size up the situation or competition and determine and perhaps talk themselves out of becoming successful by telling themselves: “I’m too old,” “I don’t have enough resources,” “I don’t have enough experience,” “I don’t want to get involved” or maybe “I was born on the wrong side of the tracks.” We all know the song, but we keep singing it.

The game of chess is another example that is comparable to the game of our life. If you want to be successful, it’s how you play the game. Chess is a game of change and adaptation. You have specific rules that players must follow in order to set up the game board. You have rules on how and in what direction the chess pieces must move on the board. Then you have rules on how to capture a chess piece, and finally how to win the game. Even though in chess there are rules to the game and one must follow them; no one plays the game the same because there are millions of ways to win and millions of ways to lose, but the outcome depends on the interactive interaction process between the two players. So similarly there are rules that govern change, and there are rules of adaptation to the change, but there is no one way that a person must take that leads to the path of success. Why? Because everyone is different, no two people are alike even if they were identical twins. Change and adaptation depend on the person’s mindset be it positive or negative. It canalso depend on that person’s biological makeup and the psychological makeup and/or the environment in which they dwell in. That’s why when talking about what situation will best promote efficiency in the workplace, it is best to think about what will specifically lead to increased proficiency and productivity of the individual employee. The environment for one thing or the workplace culture can help to improve efficiency. So, to avoid the grasshopper and elephant mentality as a human being, you must be able to accept, respond, and adapt to change because if not you will be stuck in that position not knowing the ability within you that is greater than the external forces. Discard your mental blockages because it will only lead to regression, limitations, stagnation, and ultimately a failure in reaching your goals. Remember you may limit yourself not your circumstances in life.
Permission only granted by Derrick Darden, PhD

Visit: dcdardentalks.com

Reference:
Amen, D.(1992). Don’t Shoot Yourself in the foot ( A Program to end self-defeating behavior forever), Warner books, 1271 Avenue of the Americas, NY 10020