Category: emotion

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With over 40 million Americans suffering from some form of anxiety, it’s time we took a long hard look at our beliefs and the society which cultivates them.

Fear can manipulate situations and cause us to subconsciously make choices and take actions that do not directly align with our values and beliefs. Fear underlies almost every wrong decision, negative reaction, and notions of self-doubt we’ve ever had.

Anxiety, panic, apprehension, and anger are forms of fear having manipulated itself and tricked us into thinking otherwise. The result? Many people end up self-medicating or abusing substances, so they don’t have to deal with the fears, thinking that by temporarily ignoring it, we are breaking up with it entirely.

To let go of our fears, we must first detach ourselves from them, which means cultivating a sense of self-awareness. Confronting your fears is the only way to access the ability to transform and break away from them.

A great technique that can help those seeking to let go of fears once and for all is to examine the worst-case scenario for whatever you’re fearing.

To start, zero into precisely what your fear is – try to narrow it down to a word or sentence if you can. This step can often prove the most challenging, especially for those unaccustomed to facing difficult emotions head-on. The key to this step is to be open, aware, and honest with yourself. Try writing down your fears if you’re struggling to dissect them.

Next, imagine the worst-case scenario surrounding each fear. By sitting through this discomfort, it becomes possible for you to release the feasibility of the situation and evaluate its likelihood.

Finally, take note of how each fear makes you feel paying particular attention to where in your body you feel it. For example, you may experience a tightness in the chest or nerves in your stomach. Over time you will recognize this feeling so you can address your fear before it gets out of control.

Confronting our fears while in a ‘safe’ environment is the best way to strengthen us to combat them when they might arise in an unexpected situation.

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Goal mindset versus growth mindset

I set a lot of goals for my life. Many of them I have hit the bull’s eye. Others I have fell short of the objective, and we have certain milestones or targets that we need to hit along the way in order to realize the goal. When you hit the target or goal, you feel good or ecstatic.

Earl Nightingale said it the best—that success is the realization of a worthy ideal.

But the problem with goal setting is our tendency not to see what’s next on our journey. Some would say, “Derrick, I have reached the peak of this mountain that I set for myself.” Sadly, many lose the drive, no stamina or no desire, and they stop at that point. It’s like you accomplished a small success, and then you  rest on that small success. You never move forward or beyond.

When you think about a growth conscious person, they continue beyond that goal and take on a different mindset. In fact, they want growth. You will continue growth, and you will hit all your goals when you look back on your journey five or ten years later. 

Man, that is a great feeling to move on to greater heights. You keep climbing the ladder until you reach heaven, and then you can stop. This reminds me of the song from the TV show, The Jeffersons, which is a part of my story, “We’re moving on up to the east side.” I remember in the early days when I was in my 20s. I had just started a family and had a new job, which was 20 miles away from home. I needed transportation, and I didn’t have a lot of money. Neither my mother nor my siblings had the money to lend me to buy a decent vehicle. I saw an ad in the local newspaper that a private owner had a 1970 Plymouth that was once a taxicab for sale. The private owner removed the decals and the taxi cab signs. But it still had the painted colors of the local taxicab company.

 On occasion I would get flagged down on the street by people wanting cab service. Many times I would stop to the anticipating customer and explain that my vehicle was privately owned, and they would have to call the local taxi cab company. Some would get really upset at me. This vehicle was always in the repair shop. Finally, I got tired of folks flagging me down and shoveling out wasted money for a beat-up vehicle, so I brought another used car, a Chevrolet Vega, which had an aluminum engine block. That car lasted a few months. The engine block cracked, and blue smoke traced my path down the local streets. I kept working through my trouble vehicles for three years when I bought a new Caravan off the showroom floor. That was a good feeling. However, I was in the military and serving my country and paying big monthly payments. Suze Orman taught me the lesson to stop using finance companies. But that took growth and hitting goal after goal after goal. During this time, I developed a growth plan for my life and started getting mentors in my life. Each mentor taught me growth principles that helped facilitate growth and maturity in my life. Looking back over my present journey, I see the growth, and the pain of growth. You may say that was great and proud of you. But I just don’t have the energy, knowledge, money, or time to plan for other growth challenges. 

John Maxwell said, “now is the best time to start anything.” Ask yourself, if not now WHEN? Growth is intentional, not accidental.

The real process of growth begins with your thoughts. Those thoughts become words, and the words become actions! James Allen, author of As a Man Thinketh, says, “You cannot travel within and stand still without.” Think about it. All life, except mankind, grows to its full potential. It’s only mankind that circumvents the process. For example, how tall will a tree grow? A tree doesn’t decide to stop growing. It continues growing all its life. 

So, I challenge you not to stop or do away with goal setting but go above and beyond goal setting and latch on to the growth mindset.

I love personal growth and development. And I think you will, too, once you start seeing a difference by applying what I have shared with you in this blog.

Derrick Darden, PhD

How to handle conflict and commit to the customer

Derrick C Darden, PhD

There’s an old saying by Sam Walton: “There is only one boss, the customer. Serving the customer is the reason your business exists. In the professional world, your job, whether it’s in sales, services or manufacturing, revolves around the customer.”

However, what happens when there is a conflict between a customer and an employee?

In this short blog, we will talk about how to handle those situations. Unfortunately, they are inevitable, but we have some tips and tricks on how to resolve them.

But before we get to them, I want to tell you a story.

I once heard about a customer who was waiting patiently to be seen by the optometrist to be fitted with new glasses. Her number was finally called, but instead of the optometrist technician waiting directly on her, he decided to answer a question from a customer who hadn’t taken a number at all. “Ironically, this same technician was rude to my husband only a month ago,” the customer remembered.

Now, this customer became infuriated and very loud. Of course, this got the attention of everyone in the store.  In the meantime, the manager was watching this take place in the background and quickly came to the aid of the furious customer. The quickly extinguished the situation. He took care of the customer, and the customer left happy.

As this story illustrates, one way to resolve a conflict to get straight to the source. What is the source? It is the foundation of how this conflict occurred. There’s always a second perception behind the truth. Maybe the customer was irritated by another, unrelated situation. But you assume that all this anger and resentment is geared towards you. Most of the time, the customer doesn’t have a personal problem, but a consumer problem. And, as a consumer, they must get quality and satisfaction.

So avoid complaining to others and whimpering. Avoid negative name-calling and further eroding your relationship with that customer.

Second, dissect the problem, not each other. Attack the problem by looking at it from different angles, then ask the customer to help buy into the solution.

Third, avoid the “blame game.” Instead of wasting your energy in finger-pointing and trying to prove your point (if there is a point to be made), direct your energy to resolving the issue at hand.

Here are some other tips on how to resolve a conflict with a customer:

1.      Listen to your customer’s concerns, get an understanding of what is being said, take off the filters. Listen with both ears, and speak once.

2.      Remember the golden rule: Do onto others as you want them to do unto you. You cannot judge someone. Put yourself in that customer’s shoes. As the saying goes, you can’t judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.

3.      Understanding is key. Understand why the conflict happened. What are some of the causes? Never assume that these things always happen.

4.      Lastly, to fix the conflict, go to the customer and make things right between you two. Re-establish your relationship and earn back their trust.

I hope this article will help you with your decision making. And remember – without conflict, life would be boring!

How to defeat the grasshopper and elephant mentality in the workplace and in life?

You know, we can learn a valuable lesson from the grasshopper, the elephant and the way people think. Here’s why. If you want to keep a grasshopper for a pet, then all you need to do is to trap that grasshopper in a jar with a lid over it. And just like many of us, an imprisoned grasshopper will try desperately to escape using his powerful legs to smash the wall of resistance in search of freedom time and time again. At the outset, that grasshopper looked very persistent and determined to change its situation. And it would try to try again without any luck of breaking itself free. Then something happens, the grasshopper stops, the persistence of escaping stops. At this point, we all know that the grasshopper will never try to escape by jumping out of the jar with the lid. At the moment, you can take the lid off, and your (pet) grasshopper will not escape because once the grasshopper has learned that its situation did not change time after time no matter what it did in the past, its convinced that it will never change in the future. And it will settle upon its new life with no desire to reach beyond that comfort zone.
Many of us know about how elephant trainers teach elephants to stay in place. They get the baby elephant and lock a strong chain around its ankle and just as the grasshopper the baby elephant will pull and tug until it stops. And even once the elephant grows into an adult, it does not change in its beliefs. The trainer could tie a thin rope around the same ankle of the elephant, and it would not try to break away.
So there are similar parallels here in this simple life lesson between the grasshopper, the elephant, and people who have given up and have adopted the same mentality as the grasshopper and elephant—becoming comfortable and complacent with no sense of going on even if success is within reach. Mentally this person sees it as unreachable and unobtainable—it’s too hard they may say. There are many problems with the grasshopper and elephant mentality when adopted by an individual, a group, or even an industry such as:
 The individual sees themselves as not having the ability to fit in with peers or able to leverage newer technologies.
 They may prematurely size up the situation or competition and determine and perhaps talk themselves out of becoming successful by telling themselves: “I’m too old,” “I don’t have enough resources,” “I don’t have enough experience,” “I don’t want to get involved” or maybe “I was born on the wrong side of the tracks.” We all know the song, but we keep singing it.

The game of chess is another example that is comparable to the game of our life. If you want to be successful, it’s how you play the game. Chess is a game of change and adaptation. You have specific rules that players must follow in order to set up the game board. You have rules on how and in what direction the chess pieces must move on the board. Then you have rules on how to capture a chess piece, and finally how to win the game. Even though in chess there are rules to the game and one must follow them; no one plays the game the same because there are millions of ways to win and millions of ways to lose, but the outcome depends on the interactive interaction process between the two players. So similarly there are rules that govern change, and there are rules of adaptation to the change, but there is no one way that a person must take that leads to the path of success. Why? Because everyone is different, no two people are alike even if they were identical twins. Change and adaptation depend on the person’s mindset be it positive or negative. It canalso depend on that person’s biological makeup and the psychological makeup and/or the environment in which they dwell in. That’s why when talking about what situation will best promote efficiency in the workplace, it is best to think about what will specifically lead to increased proficiency and productivity of the individual employee. The environment for one thing or the workplace culture can help to improve efficiency. So, to avoid the grasshopper and elephant mentality as a human being, you must be able to accept, respond, and adapt to change because if not you will be stuck in that position not knowing the ability within you that is greater than the external forces. Discard your mental blockages because it will only lead to regression, limitations, stagnation, and ultimately a failure in reaching your goals. Remember you may limit yourself not your circumstances in life.
Permission only granted by Derrick Darden, PhD

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Reference:
Amen, D.(1992). Don’t Shoot Yourself in the foot ( A Program to end self-defeating behavior forever), Warner books, 1271 Avenue of the Americas, NY 10020

Social Change (?Are There Risk Factors?)

Ѕосіаl сhаngе саn imply а gradual unfolding of different wауs of life or а suddеn, fundamental trаnsfоrmаtіоn of есоnоmіс, sосіаl, and роlіtісаl іnstіtutіоns. Due to the variation of mechanisms within the social structure of society, individuals реrсievе, ехреrіеnсе, and hаndlе the еffесts оf sосіаl сhаngе based on specific sосіо-рsусhоlоgісаl рrосеssеs. What individuals think, feel or behave can be influenced by others’ words and actions, both actual and imagined.

Тhіs bеlіеf іs bаsеd оn thе аssumрtіоn thаt іndіvіduаl dеvеlорmеnt іs аn асtіvе рrосеss tаkіng рlасе across multірlе соntехts. Тhе асtіvе rоlе оf thе іndіvіduаl іs sееn іn thе рsусhоlоgісаl рrосеssеs оf nеgоtіаtіng thе sеlf іn rеlаtіоn tо thе еnvіrоnmеnt, іnсludіng gоаl sеttіng, dесіsіоn mаkіng, аnd bеhаvіоr. Тhis соntехtuаl vіеw еnlаrgеs thе іndіvіduаl-сеntеrеd аррrоасh bу sресіfуіng есоlоgісаl соndіtіоns thаt аffесt іndіvіduаl dеvеlорmеnt, аnd by іllumіnаtіng multіdіrесtіоnаl рrосеssеs іn сhаngіng реrsоn-еnvіrоnmеnt rеlаtіоns.

Ѕосіаl сhаngе mау bе studіеd аt thе lеvеl оf sосіаl соntехt (е.g., сhаngеs іn thе lаbоr mаrkеt), аt thе lеvеl оf іndіvіduаl bеhаvіоr сhаngеs, оr іn tеrms оf thе rеlаtіоnship bеtwееn thе twо. Сhаngеs аt thе mасrо lеvеl оf sосіеtу (е.g., struсturаl сhаngеs suсh аs аn іnсrеаsе іn unеmрlоуmеnt) mау аffесt a реrsоn dіrесtlу оr іndіrесtlу (for example, whеn а fаmіlу mеmbеr оr someone him/herself lоsеs а јоb).

Another example of social change is corruption, which affects everyone. Іt thrеаtеns sustаіnаblе есоnоmіс dеvеlорmеnt, еthісаl vаluеs, аnd јustісе; іt dеstаbіlіzеs sосіеtу аnd еndаngеrs thе rulе оf the lаw. Corruption undеrmіnеs thе іnstіtutіоns аnd vаluеs оf dеmосrасу. However, bесаusе рublіс роlісіеs аnd рublіс rеsоurсеs аrе lаrgеlу bеnеfісіаl tо іndіvіduаls, іt іs individuals whо suffеr thе hаrmful еffесts оf соrruрtіоn mоst grіеvоuslу.

То bе dереndеnt оn thе gоvеrnmеnt fоr hоusіng, hеаlthсаrе, еduсаtіоn, sесurіtу, аnd wеlfаrе mаkеs thе рооr mоst vulnеrаblе tо соrruрtіоn sіnсе іt stаlls public sеrvісе dеlіvеrу. For example, the devastation of the water crisis in Flint, Michigan most directly affects the poor population there. The Office of the Governor in Michigan cut costs by delaying the installation of much-needed upgrades to its water piping system in lower income areas of Flint, Michigan. Rather, the Office of the Governor chooses an affluent area for the installation instead. The bottom line is that this lead to toxic drinking water for the citizens of Flint as a соnsеquеnсе оf соrruрtіоn.

Весаusе іndіvіduаls аrе соnfrоntеd wіth sосіаl сhаngе аt dіffеrеnt роіnts іn thе рrосеss оf сhаngе аnd аt dіffеrеnt tіmеs іn tеrms оf thеіr sосіаl rоlеs аnd dеvеlорmеntаl stаgеs, sосіаl сhаngе саn turn оut tо bе а rіsk fасtоr.  What is your opinion?

Reference

Cambridge Systematics, Inc.; Economic Development Research Group, Inc. & Boston Logistics Group, Inc. (August 2006). “Guide to Quantifying the Economic Impacts

Elder, G. H., King, v., & Conger, R. D. (1996). Intergenerational continuity and change in rural lives: Historical and developmental insights.lnternational Journal of Behavioral Development. 19. 433-455.

Bandura, A. (Ed.). (1995). Self-efficacy in changing societies. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.

Conger, R. D., Conger, K. J., Elder, G. H., Lorenz, F. 0. Simons, R. L., & Whitbeck, L. B. (1992). A family process model of economic hardship and adjustment of early adolescent boys. Child Development, 63, 526-541.

Zinnecker, J., & Silbereisen, R K. (Eds.). (1996). Kindheit in Deutschland: AkJueller Survey iiber Kinder und ihre Eltern [Childhood in Germany: Current survey on children and their parents]. Weinheim, Germany: Juventa.

 

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